Will never get sick of them no matter how matter times I hear this. 

It has been awhile since I felt the exam...jitters. Somehow I can't bring myself to say 'stress' cause I don't really feel it that strong. Which is really a bad sign. I mean, I get sporadic spams of 'shitwthimfreakingstressed' when I realise basic questions baffle me. And that after that, it wears off. Even when its still ceteris paribus; things still stay the same, I still can't solve it. What the hell is wrong with me.

Deep down from the bottom of my heart, I know in some ways I went from not bad to kind of stupid. Used to be one of those who would score it quite well...but now......let's not talk about it. I do really freak out when I find my learning ability dropping and dropping. Worse still, ability to concentrate. Some people peak as they enter uni. I think I just reached my global minimum in my own production function. What happened to the times when I could study properly and score well. Sigh, times do change. 

Do I even remember feeling like this during A levels? Doubt so. And yet, I want this first-class honours at the end of 3 years so badly. 

Oh yeah and to add, I really do hate it when people who came up tops in the cohort start to complain about how they are going to pack up and fly home because they are going to fail. Really? Honestly, even for someone like me, I don't think I'm going to fail. It's all just a matter of first class or not. These things coming from those people, especially, just annoy me. 

Despite the fact that out of 6 papers, only 1 paper counts and that its only 1/66 of my degree (sounds kinda ridiculous), I guess we don't work by that. All out, for everything. I remember being nervous opening my elective coursework to see my essay grade, when that elective did not even count at all. Wasn't even an Econs module. I can score a C for all I care and I don't think it will jeopardise my degree in anyway. But well, no. There's competition even in that little non-counted module. What have grades done to us/me ):

Many things happened in the past week. Good, bad. Can't remember. I do constantly get disrupted from studying, because my thoughts will fast forward to 11 June when I'm home. I really cannot wait to get exams done with and go to Paris and Barcelona and then home. 

I stil have a bloodied toe, or rather dry bloodied toe. I swear I will never be so blind and ram into my bedframe ever again. The amount of blood honestly freaked me out. And I cursed. Very loudly. =x

I'm not gna fail, but probably not going to do as well because they do bring down the scores to moderate. And since I'm surrounded by smart asses who spend half the time I do understanding stuff...bell curve not really going to help me. 

Okay enough of ranting. Back to study after a ... 5 hr break. Freak. 

Right. Or left/wrong. 

So many thoughts, but not knowing where and how to start. 

Time after time, I sense doubts creeping up. Doubts just about everything. Maybe sometimes I just need a dose of...something else. I don't know what. 

Life has been pretty mundane, what with studying every single day. Who ever said anything about being slack overseas. Slacking makes me feel guilty when I look around me. 

What I really want to do now. To sit somewhere, maybe on the beach, and stare out at the ocean. Have a little book and a little soft music like Skinny Love playing in the background. And not think about anything. (: That would be a good life. 

I need more self-initiated motivation. 

I miss the majestic and glorious feel of just sitting there playing, knowing you are part of the music. 

Give and take, give and take. It used to be dance or music. Soon, it's gna be dance/music or nothing. 

If only we can just not grow up. 

Livejournal feels so foreign now that I rarely visit it. Kinda get a tinge of nostalgia when I do though, reading through the old posts. 

Nice had been really fun (: I do get slight withdrawal symptoms. I want another reading week. I didn't realise how much I wanted one until it came. Tired not from stress, but from the constant nagging feeling at the back of your head that only you yourself will understand. I'm glad for that break. It's time to recharge and buck up and finish up my 2nd term. 

I love dance, despite rehearsals that stretch till late at night and make me fear for life when I walk back home in oh-so-unsafe London. Bloomsbury, please be good. *crosses fingers*. Seeing how everyone else knows everyone else just makes me miss MAD hiphop even more. I can never find people like them, can never find the like-mindedness that we all had. I miss dancing with those people. 

Clear direction. That's just what I need. Not a vague one. But a clear one. 



When things go wrong, we will find our way back. I love you <3

I can't believe 2 weeks just flew past like that. Which is reality and which is a dream, I can't really figure out anymore. But at least I know I will be hitting myself hard back into reality tonight. 

Being back just assures me of how much I love everyone here. It hasn't been a thoroughly pleasant 2 weeks, but I should have guessed that. So perhaps now's a good time to return back to my reality. 

It felt like a dream, being back. Now that I have to leave for  6 months, it feels hard all over again. A little like 3 months ago? But without the excitement of not knowing what's gna happen. 

I willed myself not to cry ytd night, but somehow I just did again. Sometimes its just too hard. But I know we have to go through the hard way. And we'll still be strong (:

I miss all of you, especially you <3

Hello livejournal. Long time no see. It's nice to be using you once again (:

Flying back tomorrow and I really can't wait.

Wish my sis could follow though..

I'm glad for this break. 

I miss you so terribly <3

It's into the 3rd week here already. I still don't feel very settled down, at all. Well partly because lessons only just started on Wednesday and things still don't feel that on track here yet.

- Hist of Ec thought lectures put me to sleep but I think it really is kinda interesting
- Congrats to me for getting my stats tutor who...doesn't understand us and...vice versa.
- I love the math lecturer, but honestly, that's not gna make me love math.
- I can't wait to move out already because inconsiderate flatmates are pissing me off badly. Who can be so damn selfish, lazy, inconsiderate, irresponsible to leave every single pot and pan and bowl and fork and spoon and spatula completely unwashed after every meal?? If you really want to do that, then stash it at some corner. Don't let it be strewn across the entire freakin kitchen. And for goodness sake, stop clogging the sink. People need to cook. And stop shouting across the miniscule corridor to get your fellow countrymen to get drunk with you.
- But at the same time I will feel some bad to leave the rest who are really really nice and friendly.
- Skipped the orchestral audition. Decided last minute that I shall only do a leisure activity: dance. Tbh, I wasn't that set on joining...I think the main reason I actually signed up for it was that, I wanted to see where I stand in the orchestra here. It was more of curiosity..okay I feel bad. I am going to use the music room tomorrow. I want to find people to play with me.
- Am hoping I will be able to squeeze into tiny studios on Sunday for Taster Day (Dance) since I didn't buy any tickets. Good job.
- Should be joining investment club.
- I can't believe I'm actually using my brain cells again after 9 months of inactivity.

I miss alot of people. But I'm not homesick. I just miss people alot. <3333